


The Gang has a Threesome

by Coranam, KatenissEverdeen



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, Praise Kink, Spirtroasting, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 03:32:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13778766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coranam/pseuds/Coranam, https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatenissEverdeen/pseuds/KatenissEverdeen
Summary: Exactly what you think it is.





	The Gang has a Threesome

7:00 On a Monday  
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

“Okay, you guys”, Mac started, standing up in front of his compatriots. “Here’s the game plan. Snacks are in the corner”, with that, he gestured to the small card table laden with chips, soda, and jellybeans. “Bed’s over there” he said with another grand gesture. “And I bought these special for this very occasion”, he continued, showing off the pack of day- glow blue condoms he brought. “I also read that we should have this too”, and with that, he dropped a bottle of lube on the ground in the same manner one might drop a microphone. “Damn it”, he muttered and bent over to pick it up.

“Wait, what?”, Charlie asked from his position beside Dennis. “What do we need condoms for?”

“Charlie you goddamn idiot” Dennis muttered.

“No, no, Dennis this is a good learning opportunity”, Mac said. “I had to learn this too. It’s to protect us from the homo plague”, Mac said, quite pleased with himself.

Dennis had to work quite hard to keep his jaw from hitting the floor at that point. “I have a few questions for you Mac”, he started, “First, do you not use condoms with women, second, none of us have even fucked a guy before so how would we have gotten it, and lastly, none of us have gotten laid in over three months, so can we just get on with it?”

“So which one of our penises opens up to receive the other penis?”, Charlie asked, cocking his head slightly to the side. 

“Woah woah WOAH”, Mac and Dennis said, almost in unison. 

“Where did you get that from?”, Dennis asked, horrified.

“I dunno, maybe a TV show or something?” he said. “So is that not how this works?” he asked.

“God, no Charlie”, Mac said. “No, we are putting our penises in each other’s buttholes”, he finished.

“Can you find a more unattractive way to describe it?” Dennis asked, cringing. “No, I prefer to describe it as a meeting of lonely souls coming together to weather the cold harsh reality of a world that has forsaken them”.

“No, no, I’m pretty sure that’s not what’s going on here”, Mac said.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure the only reason we’re doing this is to prove a point to Dee”, Charlie continued.  
“Yeah, you know, when she said that we are such rotten boners that we couldn’t even get laid with each other”, Mac finished.

“That’s beside the point”, Dennis spat, cutting Mac off. “Let’s do this now. I have a tinder date in a few hours”.

“Oh, you mean one of those girls you’ve been catfishing?”, Mac asked. 

Dennis blinked over at Mac slowly. “Do you want my manhood or not?”, he asked.

“Wait, wait, I never said that!”, Mac exclaimed.

“Well, good, then”, Dennis said. “Let’s get down to it”.

With that, they approached the bed, then turned to look at each other. 

“So, wait… How do we do this?”, Mac asked almost hesitantly.

“Didn’t you read those brochures I gave you?” Dennis asked. “Here, what I’m going to do is put my penis in your ass. And you’ll love it”, he added as an afterthought.

“Wait, what?”, Mac asked, backing up a bit. “I’m putting my penis in your ass. I’m the manlier one here. You are much more feminine and delicate than I am”.

“Listen, I appreciate where you’re coming from.” Dennis said. “I do have very delicate facial features, but you would be taking on the more masculine role here. As you said. I am very delicate, and there’s no way I’d survive intercourse with you”, Dennis hesitated. “Unless you think you’re too delicate and weak to survive intercourse with my penis?”

Mac looked at the floor wide eyed as if his entire worldview had been challenged, and looked as if he was trying to stutter a response, but was quickly interrupted.

“So does anybody else in here have a boner, or is it just me?”, Charlie asked.

Dennis looked over at Charlie looking as though he had something dismissive to say, but was stopped in his tracks when he saw Charlie’s pants around his ankles and his hand on his dick.

“Charlie, what the fuck!”, Dennis exclaimed, backing off a bit, Mac doing the same, likely wanting to copy Dennis. 

“What?” Charlie said. “You said we were gonna have sex together! You come over, you jack off, the girl gets revenge on her boyfriend, you go home!”

There was a moment of stunned silence, before Mac whispered “Charlie, man, what the fuck.”

Dennis crossed the room and sighed. “Well, I can see I’ll have to show the two of you how to be intimate.” He slowly slid his hand up Charlie’s hip towards his chest, and Charlie flinched away.

“Whoa, man, stop, that feels like a rat.”

“You mean to tell me that the closest contact you’ve had with another living being in the past thirty years is a goddamn rat?” Dennis spat.

“No, I sleep ass-to-ass with Frank!” Charlie shot back.

“Okay, that’s actually worse,” Mac said.

“Okay, okay, let’s just get going,” Dennis said, leaning in, trying to kiss Mac.

For Charlie, their kiss was like a car crash--a horrible disaster he couldn’t stop watching. He decided to play the hero and put an end to it, and he said “You know, we don’t have to kiss anyone.” Dennis and Mac stepped apart with visible relief.

“Thank god that’s over,” Mac said. “But now we’ve kissed, so we can’t ring satan’s doorbell.” Dennis ignored this, but not the hand Mac left on his bicep. “You know, Dennis, you’re surprisingly built for someone who only works out their glamor muscles.”

“Why thank you, Mac, thank you for noticing. I’ve spent a lot of time on these pythons.”

This was the point where Charlie stopped paying attention. Instead, he focused on the pitter patter in the walls of Dennis and Mac’s apartment. He could hear the mother’s footsteps back to her nest, bringing home sustinece to regurgitate to her babies. Judging by the minute shrieks, he could judge that she had at least five babies in there. Within three months, they could number in the hundreds. He had to act fast. He could find a bat, a really big one, but was quickly broken out of his thought by a slapping sound across the room. 

“Wow, this really is like doing a push up,” Mac said, on all fours, as Dennis thrust into him from behind. Dennis’ hands were on Mac’s hips, holding him steady. 

“Yeah, you were right, you can hold this position a lot longer than I could,” Dennis said with a particularly deep thrust.

Charlie nodded to himself, then walked over to the bed to sit down. After a while, he started sighing heavily, trying to get noticed. Not that he wasn’t pounding off--he was--but he was getting bored. “Hey guys, I’m bored,” he said.

“Bored? Bored, Charlie?” Dennis said, a hint of warning in his voice. “You get the privilege of watching me, the golden god, impart my manhood onto someone else, and you’re bored?”

“Well, yeah, the only hand on my dick’s my own, and I haven’t had enough time for my other hand to fall asleep,” Charlie replied, gesturing to his other hand trapped under his butt.

“Oh dear god. Mac? Mac, stop, we gotta do something, this is pathetic, even for Charlie.” Dennis said, pulling out of Mac and yanking him to the corner of the bed to confer. Charlie continued to wait for his hand to fall asleep so he could pretend it was The Waitress, but before he could, Dennis and Mac returned.

“So, Dennis and I were talking, and I’m gonna fuck your mouth while he takes the back door”, Mac said. “Is that cool with you, bro?”

“Sure,” Charlie said, desperate to be touched in any way by something that wasn’t a rat.

A couple of minutes later, Charlie found himself flipped over onto his back with his legs spread wide open. He was holding his knees apart as Dennis crouched between them.They had both already inspected him for fleas and ticks, and he had come up clean. Finally, he felt Dennis slip a finger into him slowly. It was wet, which felt pretty weird. As he continued to work him open, Charlie felt his body get hot in a way that he hadn’t really felt before.

“Fuck, man”, Mac said. “You’re really taking it. Not as well as I did, but you’re still doing pretty awesome”. Charlie keened at the praise. Dennis mumbled something in response, then pulled away, causing Charlie to moan once again at the sensation of his fingers leaving him.

“Dude-hey dude”, Charlie began. “Don’t stop, just keep doing that”.

“Doing what?”, Dennis asked, slipping on a condom.

“Please”, Charlie choked out, “Just keep doing that”.

“Trust me buddy”, Dennis said in a heated voice, “I’m going to do something much better”. With that, he and Mac flipped Charlie over onto his stomach, and helped him get into position on his hands and knees, which were feeling like they would fall out from under him any minute.

“Here we go man”, Mac said before pressing himself at Charlie’s lips. Charlie opened his mouth and gazed up into Mac’s eyes as he slid himself down his throat. After a few seconds, he began to thrust gently, eventually bringing himself up to his balls in Charlie’s mouth. It was a good thing he’s worn away at his gag reflex over the years, otherwise that might have hurt a bit. 

While Charlie was distracted by Mac shoving his cock down his throat, Dennis slid into Charlie in one long even thrust. He felt Charlie tense up underneath him and let out a strangled moan. He gave him a moment to adjust, then started thrusting as fast as he could. He had cooled off a bit since he and Mac had to break it up, so he had to make up for lost time. He was glad he had called dibs on the back end. Charlie would be much less likely to bite Mac’s dick off. At least he was somewhat safe back here.

Dennis made eye contact with Mac, and nodded at him. With that, Dennis grabbed Charlie’s hips, and Mac grabbed the back of his head. Almost in unison, they began to fuck him in ernest. After a minute of this treatment, Dennis felt Mac pull out and quietly ask Charlie if he was cool.

“Fuck yeah, man” seemed to be his reply, as Mac continued to face fuck him. That aside, Dennis renewed his grip on Charlie’s hips, which had begun to bruise already. Not satisfied with that, he raked his nails down Charlie’s back, causing him to moan loudly and shove his ass even higher into the air. Dennis took this as encouragement, and took every opportunity to scratch, pinch, and slap his ass. 

Good things apparently could not last forever, as he heard the typical cro magnon grunt of Mac coming, presumably down Charlie’s throat as the mad man hadn’t deemed it necessary to wear a condom when touching Charlie, let alone going inside of him. Fearing Charlie was close too, Dennis decided to come in the next sixty seconds, then, at the mark of fifty nine seconds later, he did just that. After he pulled out of Charlie, he snorted in disgust with himself. One second off. He was better than that.

Dennis pushed himself off the bed, ignoring the other two men, then went to the bathroom to wipe himself down. He hadn’t found any parasites on Charlie, but it didn’t hurt to be careful. When he came out, he found Mac giving the guy a reach around. Huh. That was kind of sweet. Too gay for him to do though. Better leave it to the resident gay man. After Charlie finally came, Dennis laid down on the bed, careful to let Charlie lie in the wet spot. After a few minutes of silence, Charlie finally broke it.

“Hey guys, that was pretty nice”, he said, voice still rough-- presumably from Mac’s dick down his throat. 

“Fuck man, that sure was”, Mac replied.

They laid in satisfied silence for another five minutes before the rattling sound of a door being kicked in was heard. 

“You goddamn boners better be in here!” Dee cried, searching the apartment. “You cocksuckers skipped work, thinking you’d make me do everything all by myself again, didn’t you? Well I’m not taking this shit anymore!” With that, she finally shoved the door of the bedroom open to reveal the three sweaty men lying inside. After noting their state of undress and the unmistakable smell of sex in the room, she let out a horrible, cawing shriek. “Oh my god! I cannot believe this! I can’t-”, with that, she slammed the door of the bedroom, not having been able to get a reaction out of its inhabitants. If they had cared to listen, they would have heard her call Frank and demand that he come over to reprimand his son, only to be rebutted with Frank’s excuse of “Raised, not sired”.

**Author's Note:**

> You know what? We owe you an apology.  
> Written, edited, and posted in less than 2 hours.


End file.
